I Love Whome I Love, But Who?
by Bald Dumbo Rat
Summary: Story told by Reno. True story with FF7 twist, based off someone who most really don't know much about. Someone who bottles everything up, and confronts everything head on with happiness and fun.This is me.shut up and deal with it, yo.
1. Intro

"Rude, baby, I'll be fine. Don't worry about it, yo." I planted a light kiss to my whimpering partner. Rude was always like this, panicking every time I wanted to go do something on my own. Hell it takes about 10 minutes just to say 'goodbye' to him on the phone. I guess he has abandonment issues or something. I'm one of the only people he fully trusts, and... I'm probably the only one who knows his true colors. Yeah, he acts big and tough, but really... He's just a big shy teddy bear who wants to be loved and who begs for cuddling any time he has me alone.

Eventually he calmed down enough to trust things would in fact be fine. Though he still didn't let the thought go, I could tell by the worried tone in his voice as he said "OK." For him, it was always 'Just a little bit longer'. He wanted things to last forever. It was pretty cute, actually.

I moved across the apartment to the door, and just as I turned the knob I heard Rude call out a desperate 'I love you, Reno'. Man, he's just too sweet for his own good. I've lost count of how many times he's said that in an hour. I chuckled and replied, "I love you too." then headed out the door.

Now, I don't live with Rude, even if he _is_ my partner and all... Actually, I still live with my mother. I know, pretty dorky... But she knows nothing of my real life, she sees me as a saintly guy who's pure until marriage, someone who will settle down with a nice wife and give to the needy and enjoy everything. She doesn't believe in homosexuality, in fact, if she found out what I really was, she might have a nervous breakdown and attempt suicide. (She's threatened to do so before, but that was when she was a little manic from stress and a bad combination of medicine.)

My dad, he's a different story. I really don't like to talk about him, he's the complete opposite of my mom and half of what I've become. He was never married to my mom, and was always getting new girlfriends... I heard he'd been married 3 times, of course all ending in divorce. I've never lived with him, but as a kid I used to always visit with him. He was always drinking and smoking, (cigarettes and pot) and he loved to lie and cheat. The biker type, willing to kill, easily angered, hard to please... Though he was funny as hell, I definitely inherited his humor. He never believed I would amount to anything, and he was always insulting my mom. I wasn't like him, and he seemed to hate me for that. Often when I visited him, it would soon end with me, a frightened teenager, calling my mom or friends for help or comfort of any kind. I would be crying and trapped, dad stomping outside the door yelling, drunk, and threatening to disconnect the phone. He called me spoiled, whiny, someone who always HAD to have what they wanted.. Because he was too blind to see that it was he himself who was like that.

Along with my mom, he's against homosexuality. I think that's the only thing he has in common with her. It always makes me nervous whenever he cracks a gay joke... If he found out about me, he'd probably beat the shit out of me, or hire someone else to do it. He's too proud to have a gay son.

In fact, I think my whole family is against gays. My grandma always used to gossip about it, like it was some horrible murder crime or something, my uncle's homophobic, and I have a cousin who's also homophobic. I'm a fucking goldfish in a flock of seagulls! One wrong move and I'm dead!

Eh... I've gone off subject. Don't worry, I tend to do that. Deal with it.

Back on topic, I was heading to Rufus's place. I often saw him out of work, in fact, I knew him before I was ever a Turk, we'd always been buddies. . . Well kinda. It's hard to explain without me sounding like a total backstabber. See, for us, it's like an innocent game stretched over time into something addicting and dangerous. He knows about Rude and I, but Rude doesn't know about Rufus and me. We'd been... Doing little naughty things before Rude even admitted loving me, but Rufus never took things very seriously so I assumed he wouldn't mind if I settled down with someone... And we continued to 'play' behind Rude's back, for years now. It feels terrible but... It's something so hard to quit. And Rufus is pretty fragile, one wrong move and he could be hurting someone or himself.  
Sometimes he can be really irrational, and his pissy fits can be pretty frightening. Rude has the same problem, but it's hardly ever me he gets mad at. Rufus, on the other hand, gets mad at who he wants, when he wants. I've been pretty hurt by him sometimes, but he recovers quick, as do I, and when he apologizes or cracks a joke or an old memory, it melts away. There's just... Something in his eyes that I can't resist, something that draws me to him and keeps me held in one place. They're so blue and deep, I get lost in them sometimes. And he always manages to pull off looking adorable, one way or another, no matter what he's doing. Even when he's grumping in a corner about something, the pout of his lips just... Ah, hell, it's just cute.

Hmm, you think I'm screwed up now...? Think I'm a total fiend? If so, I'm sorry you feel that way. This is all allot harder than you think, and it's only going to get deeper and far worse. This isn't even the beginning, and may not have an end. You wanna know why I do what I do? Why I can't choose, why I have so many secrets? That's fine. Because my story has much more to come. If you don't care, don't want to hear an explanation. Well. Fuck off. I'm not forcing you to read this shit. That's your own sorry choice.

-TBC-


	2. Part 1

((Note to readers: If you havn't done so yet, please read the intro chapter of this before reading this one.))

"Hey, Reno, guess what? I've got a girlfriend now!" 

I nearly dropped my cell phone. Don't know why it urked me so much to hear those words come out of Rufus. Of course he was usually one to jump into relationships without thinking much over it, so I had to give him 'The Interview'.

"That's nice, Rufus... But be careful, okay? How long have you known her, first off?" That was always the first question. It didn't hurt to be careful...

"I met her last year, it's fine, we've been friends for a while."

"What's her name?"

"Dianne. She's a great person, you should meet her."

"I intend to..." I murmured. Oh boy, wonderful... Always the hard part. I tended to get territorial over Rufus, not all too sure why. Probably because I'm paranoid he'd screw up with someone else. That or the fact that he got hurt easily by others, and he seemed to attract the one's with bad intentions. I just wanted to protect him from all that...

"Well she's over here now, so feel free to stop by."

"Yeah, I was about to drop by anyways, yo. See you then." I clicked off the phone and continued on my way. Well, if he did get a good girlfriend for once, good for him. He'd be one less person for me to worry about and I could see Rude more often. Maybe... I don't know, Rufus would probably still want me to visit, and we'd still mess around out of habit and addiction.

I came to the door of the large house, a bit hesitant to knock. Nervously, I fixed my shirt collar, something I only did when I was uneasy. I brought my fist to the door, tapping quietly at first, with each tap growing a little more confident until I gave a full knock. I knew immediately that Rufus was coming when I heard excited, loud footsteps coming quickly to the door. Rufus tended to rush down the stairs like an excited puppy when he was expecting me, heh...

And there he was in all his happy glory, glowing with delight, his golden blond hair, as usual, obviously gelled back. He wore a loose black tank tucked into his suit pants, something he'd only wear out of work. He nearly tackled me over with a hug, but being used to this I braced myself with a laugh. Immediately he tugged me inside, grinning like a moogle with a kupo nut.

Then I saw her. Dianne. And almost immediately I had a bad feeling about her. She was tall for a woman, a little lanky, but she had a healthy figure. Her hair was sort of brownish, kind of short. There was something about her that made me nervous. She looked kind of... I don't know, cruel... The kind of person who wouldn't put up with anything she didn't agree with.

Honestly, though I don't like to admit, I always have this fear of pushy people, or people in general hurting me. I flinch when anyone makes a quick movement, to tell you the truth. Hell, I even get scared around Rude when he gets angry, even when I know he'd never do anything to hurt me. It urks me to be in the presence of someone who thinks they have a certain authority over me, that they're better than me and that I'm some form of scum just because I'm different and not in the "norm" of society.

Anyways, I stood and smiled none the less as Rufus went about the long way of introducing us, repeating himself a few times as he always did when he was excited. She nodded to me, I nodded to her. There was no need or desire between us to shake hands. 

Things went by pretty quickly, we ate, I popped a few of my usual jokes and teases at the table, including one towards Rufus. Usually he'd laugh along with me from comments like this one, but for some reason he stood and stomped up the stairs.

Watching with my mouth agape, I could only sit and wonder what his problem was. I didn't really say anything offensive... At least, nothing he worried about before. Dianne followed him. I didn't want to intrude, though, afraid of making things worse, so I rested my head on the table to think things through and let Rufus calm down.

It wasn't long before a bitchy female voice snapped at me from behind, "Come upstairs, we have to talk." I tilted back my head to see Dianne in all her stuck up glory, arms crossed, mouth twisted in a stern frown. It was those kind of looks that made me want to sink into a pit and burn away for all I'm worth, which wasn't much at the moment, apparently. But... Rufus liked her, so I tried to put up with her and complied with her requests. I followed her up the stairs with my brow arched, my fingers inching up nervously to scratch at my head. She'd lead me into Rufus's room, where it was a little dark, and I noticed Rufus was in the corner of the room curled up and looking... Well, pissed, upset, and hurt.

'_Oh what the hell, what now?_' I thought, my head lowering a little as a wave of guilt suddenly crashed into my mind. I didn't know what I did wrong, but obviously I did it, because Rufus was avoiding eye contact with me and Dianne was glaring pistols into my very being. I always hated the feeling of such an uneasy guilt, when I knew I did something but I didn't know what. It made me feel so small and stupid.

And then Dianne started scolding. She threw her arms out angrily and leaned towards me, making me shrink back a bit. "You now what, this is Rufus's house, and he allowed you to come and eat here. You have no right to make him so upset, and I wont stand for it!"

I only meekly nodded, giving out a slight whine of "Okay, I understand," but she just kept on going, talking about what trash I was to ruin a perfectly good get together for a meal, and how I needed to show proper respect and so on and so forth.

I could barely listen. It was far too much piled on me so quickly, and I still didn't understand. But she was pissed obviously, it was my fault, and Rufus wasn;t going to defend me like he usually would have done if someone talked to me like that. I even looked to him pitifully for some kind of help, for him to call her off and say she didn't need to over react, but he just gave me a glare and a pout before looking down at his knees. What was going on?! It was like he was so desperate to have a relationship that he'd suck up completely to the other person and wouldn't even consider himself or his friends anymore.

I was getting dizzy, and I felt a little sick to the stomach. When would she stop? I kept on nodding and saying okay, and yes, and sorry, but she only stopped when she knew she had me pounded so deep into the ground that I couldn't see daylight. At this point she promptly pointed to the door with an angry jerk of her arm, indicating that I get my sorry ass out of there immediately. And still, Rufus did nothing. And so I angrily but miserably stomped out the room and down the stairs, grabbing up anything I'd brought before I strode out the door with a growl. _This_ was why I hated Rufus being in relationships. It was just like my dad, snatching up the opportunity for a possible partner and putting all concerns of his friends and family out the window. Hell, his girlfriends could beat the shit out of you in front of him and he'd only act as if it never happened, or that it was somehow right because they were the ones who did it. I hoped to whatever higher being there was that Rufus wouldn't be the same, though an emotional beating was just as bad as a physical beating in my view.

"Fine, Rufus, I'll play your game. I just hope you made a good choice, but so far, I aint seein' it." I mumbled to myself as I headed to the only place I could think of to find a little comfort. Home. Even if it _was_ small and shabby, it was still where I lived. And even if my mom could be... Well, a plain bitch sometimes, she was still overall nice... And she'd leave me alone if I requested it...  
I sighed as I reached the house, it didn't look like anyone was home, but that was okay. I went inside and almost like a zombie slinked to my room, where I flopped down on my mattress and somehow dozed off, despite being so upset. And so I slept, with no idea of all the trouble that would start the next day.

-TBC-


End file.
